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Sunday, April 8, 2012

Jade's Story

Hello friends/readers/advocates- guess what?!

I received another guest post yesterday! I am SO grateful that so many of you have taken such strong interest in this blog. As always, I encourage guest submissions. So far, there have been two submissions from sex workers, and one interview with a former sex worker. We all need a safe place where we can come together and share our experiences. Also, please share this blog on your facebook walls, twitter accounts, etc if you appreciate what you read.

Yesterday, I received an incredible guest post from Jade, an INCREDIBLE, successful, brilliant, strong young woman. Jade is not a sex worker, but is an advocate for sex worker's rights. Her article tells her story, and unfortunately, it is one that many of us can relate to.

Jade- thank you so much for being so brave, and for sharing your story with us. xoxo

Would you ever let someone call you a cunt? A bitch? An asshole? A douchebag? Would you let someone be mean and nasty to you, humiliate you, and treat you like shit?  If they did, would you still have sex with them and do wonderful things for them?  Would you go out of your way to make their life better?  I'm going to bet the answer is no. You would be surprised. I never thought I would, but I did. I stayed in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and lived with the person for over 3 years. It is easier than you think to get sucked in like quicksand and not be able to get out.

I am a successful woman. I have a 3.84 GPA in one of the top private nursing programs in the world. I am a strong, beautiful woman. I take care of children as my job. I am an incredible friend.  I have amazing things ahead of me in life. Despite all of this, I still let an abusive guy get in the way of it all.

My ex used to call me horrible names. He took advantage of intimate information I confided in him and threw it up in my face when we fought.  He would get in my face and scream at me at the top of his lungs, even when I was driving.  I remember once when this happened on the highway at night; I was so terrified that I was hysterical and shaking and almost got in a car accident. When things got really bad and I stopped wanting to have sex with him, he accused me of being raped and said that was why I didn't want to be intimate any more.  I explained that this was not the case, however, if it was, then how he addressed it would have been horrible.  He was unresponsive and repeated himself on more than one occasion. 

I tried to explain that I did not have a desire to be intimate because of his behavior and he accused me of withholding sex as a dominance thing. His theory could not have been farther from the truth.  He even pushed me around once or twice and left a handprint on my chest, which I still have a photograph of to serve as a reminder.  I would try to rationalize and reason with him, but it never worked. I still stayed. I attributed his behavior to mental illness and I wanted to be a committed partner. I wanted to stand by my boyfriend in his times of trouble.  I begged him to get therapy and he refused. I still stayed. I asked again and again and he would say that he would change, that he would seek help, but it never happened. I still stayed.  I thought I was doing the right thing. Then, he started singing a different tune. He started telling me I was sick, I was psychotic, and there was nothing wrong with him. 

He made me seem like the bad guy. He brought out the worst in me.  He would manipulate me and our friends and family. I would ask to please go home and leave a party and he would refuse to leave with me. He would embarrass me and use me as his scapegoat.  He cheated on me. He would blatantly hit on other girls in front of me.  I still stayed. I stopped telling him when I had exams or important events because he would make sure to make my life a living hell on and before that day.  He destroyed my self-image and self-esteem.  I gained weight, my skin broke out, and I felt horrible about myself. I still stayed. 

I finally got to a point in my friendships, my education, and my self-awareness that I had the strength to say I was done.  It has only been two months and I'm still stuck in a lease with him, but I have found happiness since then.  True happiness.  I have never felt this way before.  The only way to explain how I feel is free.  I have rediscovered my wonderful friends.  I have rediscovered myself.  I started to run and do yoga and am in the best shape of my life.  I have found security, compassion, self-esteem, and self-awareness.  I cannot believe I stayed for so long.

I feel no compassion for him.  I feel no love for him.  I see him and he is a stranger to me. Even now, as I am packing up my things to move out of our house in less than 3 weeks and barely speak to him, he continues to be verbally violent and abusive towards me. He has threatened to throw my things away, open up my boxes, go through them, and take what he pleases. I just take a deep breath and walk away. It's not worth it. It never was, but it just took me a long time to realize that.  I hope that by writing this, I can help even one person in the same situation to realize that it is your time to shine.  It always has been.

Don't ever suck it up. Don't sacrifice your own happiness and well being in hopes of creating someone else's.  If you feel a hesitation or see a red flag, run. If he wants to change, he will. You can't change him. Get out of there as fast as you can. You deserve better.  You are better.  Love yourself.  


  1. Jade:

    Thank you so much for sharing. I have tears in my eyes..I married my abuser and will be in divorce court tomorrow. He is trying to stick me with 67k worth of debt as his final act of violence.

    People have asked me what is wrong with me for choosing such a person. I did not choose him, he chose me. I was vulnerable and loved him.

    I have had a year without him so want to support you in the fact that you will heal and it will get better. Use caution during this time because the wheels could come off for him now that you are leaving. There is victim's compensation funding for help. I would encourage you to seek it if you think it could help. It helped me.

    I understand the name calling. I have been spit on, had my pets kicked and picked up by their necks, had my privacy invaded to include him having a logger on my computer and watching everything I did and now, have to face him in court as he tries to act like a victim.

    DV offenders do not change. Please use every resource you can to get away.

    Feel free to contact me.

    In solidarity,


  2. Many of these abusers are vindictive enough to do everything they can to destroy you. The best you can do is to live well and surround yourself with good people. The day will come where your good deeds are returned. Keep loving yourself.

  3. I have been very lucky that I escaped my abusive husband so fast. I married a 41 year old man when I was just 17. He never hit me, but he did raise his hand to me, and when I was going to leave he wanted the change back from the groceries. It was in that moment that I decided that I would never kiss some mans ass just to keep the peace, so I left even though I had no where to go, and was on the streets at 18, and started being a sex workers. Years later while I was in group therapy, they asked us to name 3 traits of a healthy relationship, and I did not have a clue what thee traits were. I knew what was unhealthy, and I think many women do not know the signs until they have been sucked in completely by some asshole. Usually these men isolate us, tell us we should be grateful to have them, because WHO else would want us, and after awhile we BELIEVE these lies. Since then I have paid careful attention to how a man treats others, how does he treat his mom, sister, x girlfriend. I watched a case awhile back that the husband beat and raped the wife and she was ordered to pay alimony. Perhaps this is why I never felt the need remarry.