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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Broken Hearts & Open Vaginas

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” Woody Allen

“Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” Woody Allen

Just when I’m certain that I’m the most bitter person around, I turn to Woody Allen. As a self-identified bitter romantic & fan of good sex, I spend a lot of time pondering my relationship to these things, and their relationship to one another. Love and sex- do they go hand in hand? Do they have to? Should they? Is it better when they do, or it is worse?

A bit of clarification- when I use the term “love” in this post, I am referring to romantic feelings, not necessarily the state of actually being “in” love. Just, ya know…when you have those fuzzy feelings for someone, when your stomach hurts because you miss them. All that horrendous bullshit, which can also turn into a state of full blown disaster (aka, being in love) but it doesn’t begin there. It begins with the crush…the ruminating thoughts…the butterflies. It ends with a cracked IPhone screen and a few empty bottles of tequila. Kidding…?

Okay, so back to business- slut shaming. We live in a society where a woman is shamed for having a wide open vagina. “Open for business!” What about a wide open heart? How does society perceive individuals who just love to be in love? Those who crave that intimacy with another human? Those who are convinced that they were married to Shakespeare in a past life? Are they labeled as romantics, love addicts, old souls, artists? These labels don’t seem as bad as “slut,” but I suppose it depends on who you ask. Maybe these people should be just as shamed as all the sluts out there!

Why is it more acceptable to give one’s heart away, but not one’s genitals? Which has a higher likelihood of resulting in heartache and distress?

This is the kind of bullshit philosophy that pisses me off- “Civilized people cannot fully satisfy their sexual instinct without love.” Bertrand Russell.  

Really? So let me get this straight- it’s possible to have romantic feelings for someone that you haven’t done the nasty with, but it’s impossible to not have feelings for someone that you’ve enjoyed a mind-blowing orgasm with? Give me a break.

If you are a woman who has enjoyed casual sex in the absence of romantic feelings, are you defected? Broken? A SLUT?

If you are a woman who has enjoyed romantic feelings for someone in the absence of sex, are you…? What are you? Fill in the blank, because I’m really not sure.

In my opinion, society judges the former more than the latter. In my experience, the latter can cause a lot more mental anguish. I’ve been in both situations, and I think it’s obvious which one I prefer to be in.

At this point in my life, it’s probably easier to get into my vagina than it is to get into my heart, and I’m not ashamed of that. I’ve proudly labeled myself as a “slut” many times (despite the current lack of traffic in my bedroom. *sigh*). However, I am not proud of what has become of my emotional self, my romantic self. That’s the part that feels the most damaged, even though it is utilized even less frequently than the other part.

I suppose it’s no surprise that I have this quote tattooed on my back- “Cupid is a knavish lad, thus to make poor females mad.” Good ol’ Shakespeare. Now there was another bitter and tortured love-sick sex crazed fool.

Until a better night,

“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.”



  1. Ive been reading your blog for some time now and I must say that you pretty much hit the nail on the head with everything you say.

    Sex without love is just sex(and usually, in my experience some of the best sex). Love without sex? Well thats just plain cruel.

    However, in all honesty ive seen many women (and men)who think that they can handle sex without strings, and it quickly turning ugly. I have also seen people jump into relationships more for sex than anything else because they dont want to be labled a "slut". I think that people need to think about what they want a little before they jump into anything, and definitely lay down ground rules for nsa sex.

    Anyway, thats it for my rant. I enjoyed your post. As always.


  2. Hi Sarah, thank you so much!! I label this as my "angst-ridden rant," it was a good way to vent some of my current frustrations. It's really nice to know that others appreciate what I write, and perhaps can relate to it. People do rush into things too quickly, whether it be sex, love, or some combination of both. I am also guilty of this, on all accounts. I guess it's human nature to want to feel something, whether it be in your heart or in your vagina/penis. I've been in instances where the nsa sex suddenly has strings, and it can be very difficult. I've also been in situations where feelings blossom, even without sex, and it turns even uglier. Well, who the fuck knows.

    My friend commented on my facebook page after she read my article- "one is surely better to have loved and lost, but one is also better to have lusted and indulged. the heart is a sensitive organ, but the clitoris is sometimes more demanding. in the end you must follow your love or lust and be happy to indulge yourself.." Sums it up pretty well.

    xo Page

  3. Well said!
    Enjoying sex doesn't make you makes you a human. Shock! Horror! ;)
    I'm glad to see women claiming the word slut as their own and good on you for doing so.
    I think sex without love it better, easier, less messy...
    Keep enjoying your sex!!

  4. I can honestly say that out of the *pauses to count on fingers* six sex partners that I've had, half of them I had sex with entirely without love being involved. Including the guy I lost my virginity to. LE GASP! At the time I was sure it was love, but now that I think about it, it was just plain old lust. It hasn't changed my perspective of the experience in any way, and there's nothing wrong with that. I certainly don't think I'm defective, and my fiance doesn't seem to think so either!

  5. I love reading your posts! I definitely think that more women need to own their sexuality and be okay with sex with no strings but I found out that I personally can't do it. Although I consider myself a sex positive person and I am in total support of female empowerment and getting laid when you need to, I don't know why I always have felt used and abused by the boys that I had a just had sex with. Maybe it was because we were friends before we started having sex and then when we added that component things got really messed up. Therefore, I guess for women to have a just sex relationship, you really shouldn't be friends with them or know them outside the bedroom? Or maybe it is because I am a super sensitive person.
    When I look back at all my sexual experiences, most of them suck and I have decided that sex without strings or some sort of god damn commitment is not a good idea. I wish I could live my life like Samantha Jones but it is too emotionally taxing. Maybe it is because there is a serious learning curve with sex. Sexual empowerment and responsibility should be taught to young girls EVERYWHERE before they start having sex, and show them there are different types of sex, some if which is more intimate then others?

  6. Loved it, great perspective Christina!

  7. I love what you're doing and I hope you reach a lot of people. For ideas, quotes, truths, and more about positive-experience sex work and ways to understand and promote it, visit I would love to hear from you and have your input regarding my work, as well.

  8. If you are a woman who has enjoyed romantic feelings for someone in the absence of sex, are you…? What are you?

    Imaginary or delusional. Sometimes ignored because people refuse to see stuff that doesn't fit in their little categories.

    It's not as bad as slut-shaming, but it is really irritating.