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Thursday, August 1, 2013

Check Your References Ladies! Re: Hugo Schwyzer

Hello friends!

Hugo Schwyzer quit the internet, had an affair, and sexted with a 27-year old sex worker. Ahem.

I don't have the patience or energy to give much of the back story regarding this issue, so if you have no idea who Hugo Schwyzer is/what's going on with him, don't bother to read on.

For those of you who are keeping up with the controversy & reveling in every second of it, please continue. 

First, I want to express my disgust with every single person who is participating in the shaming of a man with mental illness. It's perfectly acceptable to dislike somebody, to disagree with them, to point out the sheer hypocrisy of the situation. Feminists are pissed off and have reason to be, I get that. I won't spend time on that particular facet of the issue. There are dozens of other blogs and angry articles swirling around the twitter universe & blogosphere. Have your moment in the sun, Hugo-haters. You've been waiting for this day.

You know what's not cool? Poking fun at him for being in a psychiatric ward. Placing bets on when he will try to commit suicide. Rejoicing in his mental anguish. This is all shit that I've seen on twitter and it's disgusting. Despite his mistakes (and yes, they are mistakes. We've all made them- right?), he's still a HUMAN. It's interesting to see all of these human rights activists cheering for joy as they watch a human being's health decline. Very interesting, folks. Everyone loves a bully.

A real gem- "Hugo Schwyzer's meltdown is spectacular, and befitting a man of his craven stature. Be warned manboobs and ilk: your doom is preordained" twitter by @heartise 

I've also seen the line "grown men are fragile" going around twitter, mocking Hugo's "quitting of the internet." So now we're shaming men for expression emotions? Real nice. Another fantastic display of feminism.

Tweets such as "hahahahaha a beautiful goodbye to the sensitive fucklord that is hugo schwyzer" by @voraciousbrain

What a fabulous society we live in. What's going to happen if Schwyzer actually commits suicide? Will everyone throw a party and piss on his grave? These people should be absolutely disgusted with their behavior. I have also suffered with mental illness and so perhaps I have a bit more empathy than others. Perhaps I also know a thing or two about being bullied and abused by those who hide behind a keyboard.

Sigh. What drama.
February was not a good month. Thankfully, I'm happily living in Las Vegas now and looking forward to starting my PhD in Sociology in less than 1 month! Woohooooooo! My future is bright and I'm feeling at peace (a rarity for me). I wish Hugo luck in his recovery. No one deserves to be shamed for having a mental illness.

From the bottom of my ever-changing, always learning, work in progress heart,
Christina Parreira


  1. Oh and for anyone wondering, no I am not in court for false allegations re: my ex. How ridiculous. I am happily living my life and moving on. I suggest everyone else do the same.

  2. I'm someone who had read that article but never heard of the site before. I was alerted to it because I teach at your old university, and people had emailed me when they saw the university named (emails that were waiting for me when I woke up this morning).

    I'm glad to read your perspective and sorry I helped promote that post by linking to it on Twitter and Facebook before I saw this from you. Glad your perspective is out there. Good luck in your new doctoral program.

    1. Ah, good ol Uha! Sometimes I miss sitting in the lounge of East Hall...wishing the WAIS would disappear.

      Thanks for reading and for the well wishes.

  3. Christina,

    As always, my deep respect for you and all you continue to write, do, advocate, etc. Your voice is sorely needed. You are a pioneer. Know that I love and support you from afar.


    1. Thank you Mala!!! I miss you!! Hope all is well in CT. As usual, it's a bit chaotic in Vegas...but I'm doin okay! :)

      Thank you so much for your kind words and your support Mala <3


  4. UPDATE- Apparently the writers at LA Weekly are oblivious. Link below is a letter to the editor written by Tizzy Wall. I also wrote my own. Tell LA Weekly that they shouldn't support a publication that outs & harms sex workers.

  5. What I'm not understanding is why you make no acknowledgement of the fact that you had an affair with a married man with children (and you yourself have children). Yes Hugo co-created this and yes your ex sounds abominable but Hugo at least concurs that this was wrong and, I imagine, a substantial contributing factor to his breakdown.

    1. First of all, I don't have children. Never plan to. I don't agree with what Hugo did, but he is married. I am not. That pretty much sums up my feelings on the issue.

      Also, it should be noted that I've never even met Hugo. He even posted on his site that he had affairs with several women. I highly doubt that my sexting "affair" with him was any sort of major contributing factor.

  6. You're missing the point. Even if you were the only person he sexted with while married that would still be him being unfaithful to his spouse. Whether the involvement was in person or on the net there was an EXCHANGE. An exchange of a sexual nature that was inappropriate for a married man and one that any spouse of that person would be justifiably hurt and angry over.
    But the most important thing you don't seem to understand or perhaps don't want to understand is that participating in someone else's infidelity is every bit as wrong as being unfaithful to your partner and is every bit as transgressive to that partners family regardless of whether or not you know them and whether or not he was willing.
    You are not owning your part in this.

    1. I respect your position, but I also disagree. Agree to disagree.

    2. Piss off.

      No, seriously. Who the fuck are you, Mr. Moral Majority, to be lecturing anyone?

      I'm presuming that you're some pure, never-have-sinned, never-done-wrong, straight-up kinda guy yourself, right?

      Let's just look at your presumption here: AdvocateGrrl is somehow responsible for Hugo's behavior? How do you reckon?

      She didn't make any contract with Hugo's partner. She didn't sign on to be her fidelity baby-sitter if her man was out on the prowl.

      If you've got a personal beef with AdvocateGrrl, then come right out and say it. Don't pull this holier-than-thou, defender of the sacred family crap.

  7. I've had my go 'rounds with Hugo, most notably on the now-ridiculous mouth-piece-of-conservative-"feminism" rag, "The Good Man Project". I've called him several nasty names in print (well, "nasty" for very academic values of nasty).

    But, seriously, anyone wishing the man's death is a scumbag who deserves to get, in triple, what they're throwing out there.

    Hugo's "meltdown" has to do with the fact that he's presented himself on several occasions as a male feminist in the most vanilla, conservative sense possible. An ex-trotsykite, evangelical Christian, Hugo seems to have always been looking in life for an ideology to live by. Feminism became the latest one he ascribed to.

    Hugo's problem, however, is that he has been a tad too honest about his past episodes of violence against women and was thus publically crucified for those (which makes one wonder what people think he should have done? NEVER talked about them? Made believe that they didn't happen?) So when he turns out to not be the perfect feminist man, a lot of those people who were originally cheering him on decided that he'd be a great scapegoat for teh paytriarchy.

    Yeah, perhaps Hugo deserves some ribbing. Some light mocking, even. But wishing for the man's death? Get the fuck outta here!

    As for Hugo's affair, everyone involved is an adult, right?

    It was all consensual, right?

    So what's the big fucking deal?

    A guy had an afair, gets internet bullied about it and now people are wishing his DEATH?

    Since when has marital infidelity been a capital offense?

    Back in the 1980s here in Brazil, it was actually legal for men to kill spouses they found cheating on them. Getting rid of that law was a huge victory for Brazilian feminism.

    So now I'm supposed to believe that it's somehow "feminist" to harry Hugo to death because he's been unfaithful?

    Excuse me, but isn't "death or eternal stigma for infidelity?" EXACTLY what we think is fucked with sexual systems like India's, for example? Or is that valid only when it's applied to women?

  8. I have not said that AG is responsible for Hugo's behavior and I did say that Hugo's behavior was reprehensible. I also did not say that her dalliance with Hugo was an isolated incident in his philandering. I said, and still say, that she CO-CREATED the incident and is every bit as culpable as Hugo is for what took place. I have far from a clean record but I have and do try to keep my side of the street clean and own my part in things. AG clearly believes she has done nothing wrong and that sexting with a married man, so long as you are not cheating on anyone yourself, is fair game. She also seems to believe that sexting falls into a different and lesser category than in person involvement. I don't agree with either of her stances here and am saying so. I also do know Hugo personally and care about his well being so this does hit home for me as more than a news item.
    Sorry if either of you feel this is holier than though and calling someone holier than though who calls you on behavior is usually a pretty clear indicator of non-accountability.

    1. So let me boil it down for your wee mind, then: AG didn't make ANY CONTRACt with Hugo's wife. There is no way in hell, unless you are a moral moron, that you can say she's "every bit as culpable".

      If you have "far from a clean record" yourself, then piss off! You have no right to be pointing fingers, tossing stones or whatever.

      Regarding accountability, who the hell do you think AG should be "accountable" to? You, Mr. Righteous? Hugo's wife? Society in general? And for what, exactly? Because she violated your falsely moral values?

      Again, piss off! All this is is slut-shaming by someone who seems to have a personal axe to grind and who's hiding behind the internet to do it.

    2. APdS have you noticed that the discourse between AG and me has been mutually repspectful and that it's you who's taken to name calling and expletives? I'm emphatic about this because Hugo's my friend. AG is emphatic because she's at the center of this controversy. Why are you?

      AG in the interest of full disclosure I have been involved with an engaged and later married person. Once in my early twenties when all bets were off and the same person nearly twenty years later online when the marriage was in serious trouble. The latter incident didn't result in out and out sexting but thin ice was skated upon. Both times I justified it. The former incident ended when the guy came back from his naval tour of duty and the latter when we both, older and supposedly wiser, nipped it in the bud before it went any further.

      What ultimately happened is that my conscience (please no Jiminy Cricket jokes) told me that this wasn't a good idea. I put myself in the position of the husband and asked how I'd feel if it were me. It turns out I'd feel hurt and betrayed. I'd be sad that someone had an exchange wit my wife that was not his exchange to have and I'd have a hard time trusting her again. Upon realization of this I stopped, made amends in my heart to her husband and am now in a happy marriage of my own.

      That said, is the idea that you don't mess with another person's partner even if it's just online and even if that person invites it really such a staunchly conservative idea? Is it really so puritanical and on the far right? Really?

      I have concurred that both Hugo's and your ex's behavior was reprehensible. I have made no disparaging remarks about your being a sex worker. I have said that you were not the only woman that he was involved with. I have expressed sympathy and empathy for your struggles with mental illness and with your recent humiliation.

      Besides that I simply have suggested that you consider the idea that getting involved with another person's partner if that would hurt that person upon revelation ain't your finest hour. It wasn't mine. And by the way you hinted at the fact that you and Hugo might have had actual sex should you have visited California so the notion that it was 'just sexting' is questionable.

      You have already made it clear that you don't agree with this so there's nothing else to say. At least not from me.

      Be well.

  9. I also am not putting a sweeping value judgement on infidelity per se. Just on owning one's part in any given situation. If AG's belief is that her hands are clean then there's nothing I can do to assuage that besides say, as she just did, I disagree.

  10. The main issues here besides accountability are promise breaking and hypocrisy. Hugo is guilty on both counts. But AG helped him with the former. No question about that.

  11. Unless of course Hugo was paying for this. In which case AG was just doin' her job. I don't say this pejoratively. I just mean that in that case it's not down to the sex worker to know about his personal life.