This article is likely going to piss a
lot of people off. That’s just too damn bad. These are my truths, my opinions,
my thoughts, my healing. I’m entitled to this and so I’ll go ahead and write
it.
It’s hard to know where to start. When I
was in my late teens, I was diagnosed with a mental illness. I’ve been in and
out of therapy for years, on and off various medications. I’ve made more
mistakes than I’d care to admit to, but at the end of the day I’m pretty
satisfied with where I’ve ended up. MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR MY
BAD BEHAVIOR. Should I repeat it another thousand times? Perhaps.
MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR
MY BAD BEHAVIOR.
MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR
MY BAD BEHAVIOR.
MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR
MY BAD BEHAVIOR.
MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR
MY BAD BEHAVIOR.
MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR
MY BAD BEHAVIOR.
MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR
MY BAD BEHAVIOR.
MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR
MY BAD BEHAVIOR.
Ok please don’t make me repeat that
again. So moving on…
I’ve led a colorful life. I’ve been
victimized, and I’ve victimized others. If you’ve never done the latter, then
good for you. I admire you but unfortunately, most of us cannot say that. There
are different levels of victimization (of course), but for now can we just
leave it at that? Simply put, I’m not a saint, but I am a woman with a heart of
gold and good intentions. Like many other human beings, I’m multi-dimensional. I
struggle, and I screw up, and I do positive things, and sometimes I try my
best. Sometimes I don’t. If you’re a person who’s never made a single mistake,
never hurt another human, never acted selfishly, never lied…stop reading. Go
and get sainted & leave us common folk alone. We’ll probably have more fun
without you. (Ha.)
There are times when I’ve done crappy
things to those that I love. Here’s the thing about hurting people- they always
want an explanation. People always say “but why? How could you?” Fair enough. I’ve
asked that question of many who have hurt me. I’ve screamed it, yelled it
through tears, written it. I’ve begged for the answer. Part of asking for an
answer is accepting the answer that’s given to you. It’s usually not enough to
satisfy, and it usually falls short. Sometimes the person gives a bullshit
answer. What should we expect? Perhaps we should stop asking.
Mental illness and/or drug addiction ARE
part of the reason that people act out and hurt others. Can anyone deny that?
Once again, IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. Please don’t make me type that another 8
times. People need to stop conflating “explanation” with “excuse.” Mental
illness IS a source of poor behavior, a partial explanation, a possible cause.
It is not an excuse, and when somebody mentions their mental illness when
discussing their poor choices, please stop telling them that it’s not an
excuse. Unless somebody says “I did these awful things but I can’t be held
responsible. It’s not my fault, I’m ill,” they don’t deserve to be told that
they’re “using mental illness as an excuse.”
The problem is that as a society, we don’t
know how to talk about mental illness, and we sure as hell don’t know how to
discuss abusers who are mentally ill. When we hear of things such as abuse,
torture, harassment, rape, etc, our blood turns hot. We become (rightfully)
angry, and unfortunately, along with that rightful reaction comes a tendency to
ignore reason. We want answers, but we won’t accept the answers. We’re out for
blood. So, what can the abuser do, other than go 6 feet under? What is the acceptable
way for an abuser to return to society? I’m sincerely curious as to what people
have to say about this. I don’t have an answer. However, I do not believe that
telling someone (even if they are an abuser) to “Shut up. Go away. Die.
Disappear. Stay off of social media. Stay off of life!” It may be our gut reaction, but is it
reasonable? For those of you that say yes, think about this- do you believe in
the death penalty? Why or why not? My guess is that anyone reading this is fairly
liberal, and likely to reject the death penalty. I’m against the death penalty
because I don’t believe in “an eye for an eye,” and I believe in
rehabilitation. I believe that the death penalty is hypocritical. Okay, I know
it’s a far stretch to compare shunning somebody to the death penalty, but does
anyone see the point that I’m trying to make? We’re always quick to be liberals
when the person in question isn’t somebody who has personally abused us. But
what about when they have? Then what? How do we deal with them? How do we deal
with our boiling blood, our rage, our pain? How is the person in our life
supposed to answer us? What would satisfy us? Should they just go 6 feet under?
I feel myself straying from my original
point because honestly, I’m tired and I didn’t plan to write anything tonight.
I’m feeling slightly triggered by all of the social media posts floating around
out there tonight. As someone who has mental illness and who has also worked as
a therapist treating mental illness, I’m disappointed by the attitudes that
surround me. People whom I regard as intelligent are saying things such as “that
person is using mental illness as a privilege!” No, he’s not. He’s simply
answering your questions, and to pretend that mental illness wasn’t at least a
slight contributor to those actions is foolish. As I’ve written in earlier
posts, it IS possible for a person to be a manipulative abusive fraudulent POS
and also be mentally ill. I’ve noticed that people don’t like to realize that
simple fact, but it’s the truth. C’mon folks- THINK IN DIALECTICS! Let me
repeat this- To pretend that mental illness wasn’t at least a slight
contributor to those actions is foolish. That’s part 1. Part 2 is this: it
doesn’t mean you have to forgive that person. You don’t have to feel sympathy
for that person, but to deny that mental illness played a role is silly.
So, why is it that people don’t want to
believe that an abuser is mentally ill? Well, perhaps because mental illness
usually garners sympathy. We usually feel sorry for sick people, right? And, nobody
wants to feel sorry for an abuser. Newsflash- we don’t have to. We don’t need
to feel sympathy for the mentally ill. We can be just as fucking angry at them.
I can already hear people saying “but
what about the victims?! You’re an apologist!” No, I’m not. I’m simply capable
of holding multiple uncomfortable truths in my mind, all at once. It would
probably be easier and less painful to be less insightful, but that’s not my
style.
Facing these uncomfortable issues head
on has made me think of the abuse that I’ve faced throughout my life. It dawned
on me that since I’m running around lecturing people about facing uncomfortable
truths, I should try to face my own. So, I decided to think about my ex, and
how I would feel if this controversy were surrounding him. I immediately felt
angry. I’d want people to write him off, to scream at him, to tell him to go
away. But, is that okay? No, it’s really not. As much of a piece of crap as he
is, he’s still a human, and there are reasons behind his horrid behavior. One
of the main reasons that he was so abusive (in my opinion) is his severe problem
with anger. He’s got one of the worst tempers I’ve ever had the displeasure of
being around. I can honestly say that I’ve never seen anything quite like it,
and would be happy to never see anything like it again. So, it would be safe to
say that he abused me partly due to his anger problem, correct? Is that
excusing him? No, of course not. It’s
just the truth. It is what it is; nothing more and nothing less. In my opinion,
he’s also mentally ill and that’s also part of the explanation for his
horrendous actions towards me. That’s also not an excuse. I don’t have to like
him and I don’t have to forgive him, and I never will. I also don’t have the
right to demand that he disappear from the public sphere, that he stop living
his life. That’s not an easy thing to admit because trust me, there are days
that I wish he would disappear. BUT that’s not my call to make, and it’s not reasonable.
So what do we do with abusers? Do we
pretend like they’re not mentally ill because it suits us to believe they’re in
perfect mental health (even in the face of overwhelming evidence that they are-
HELLO FOLKS! THAT IS A CLEAR AXIS II PRESENTATION IF I’VE EVER SEEN ONE!)
Do we banish them? Kill them? Treat them
like a child & take away their social media accounts? Demand that they
never see the light of day again? When we ask them for an explanation, do we
continue to tell them that it’s not good enough? If so, why do we keep asking
for one?
Seriously, what do we do? I’m seeking an
answer for that. Please keep in mind that it’s almost midnight and that I’m
tired. I’m not sure if everything in this post made sense…but I am trying to
stir up some reasonable discourse. I’ve been thinking about these issues for
quite some time, and now I’m sharing them with others. Thank you for reading.
Christina
For background on these issues, click here:
