On Tuesday, I was lucky enough to attend the Club 90 reunion, "The Golden Girls of Porn" at the Museum of Sex in NYC. I covered the event for WHACK! Magazine, and the write-up can be found here:
WHACK! Magazine: Club 90 Reunion
What a fantastic and inspiring evening, enjoy!!
xo
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A blog about sex worker rights, the sex industry, rape culture, slut-shaming, & everything in between (your legs and mine!)
Friday, June 15, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Inside My Cunt & Heart
Well, here we go...
One of my mother’s favorite sayings is
“you change your men more than you change your underwear!” I’ve heard this
several times from her. Is she implying that I have poor hygiene, or that I’m a
slut? Perhaps she assumes that the two go hand in hand? As most of us know, that
depends on the night, and one’s access to a shower and fresh panties. I
apologize in advance for my tangential nature, but I am reminded of a quote by
yours truly that my friend Jessica STILL laughs about. It was 2007 (the worst
of times, the best of times…) and I sauntered into her apartment at some
ungodly hour of the morning and said “well, you know it’s been a good night
when your thong is in your purse!” Laughter ensued, and continued…for years. Oh
my, those were some interesting times. ANYWAYS, back to the issue of clean
panties versus new men.
Okay, so apparently I’ve gone through a
lot of boyfriends. Or perhaps they’ve gone through me. I suppose it depends on
who you ask. Regardless, back to the point of the article. Where have I been,
where the fuck am I now, why does it matter, and is it any better than where I
used to be?
I’ve spent most of my life spinning my
wheels, crashing, burning, re-inventing, and waking up hungover. It’s been a
party, and it’s been non-stop. Shit…it’s been fun!! Those that know me well (or
at all) know that there is never a dull moment, or a quiet bedroom. I guess in
some ways, I’ve always been “sex-positive.” I just didn’t know it until about a
year ago, but now that I do, I’m all fucking over it. The irony? Before I was “sex-positive,”
I was a way bigger slut than I am now. Let’s explore, shall we? By the way- don’t
EVER judge yourself for being a “slut,” at ANY point in your life. It’s NOT a
bad thing- it just means that you’re having a good time!
One year ago, June 2011. I was newly
single after a long and tumultuous relationship. I dated a wonderful man, and I
am so blessed to have those memories, but it was time to walk away. So, I did.
Cue: 6 months of online dating, partying with friends, sleeping, studying,
getting fat, getting skinny, getting in trouble, finishing my M.A. degree.
Whew, it was tiring.
It was fall and I’d made it into a
doctoral program. It wasn’t the program of my choice, far from it, but I was
going to make the best of it. I had a research mentor, a dissertation topic,
and a whole summer’s worth of work with him. I was feeling pretty smug by the
time the semester started. I wasn’t at the university of my choice, but I was
going to rock out with my cock out. It was going to be okay.
So, the fall. The following doesn’t
deserve more than a line or two, and so I will sum it up quickly: met a hot guy
from a WASP family with a previous drug problem and MULTIPLE arrests, was
skeptical, went on a date, was won over, “fell in love,” gave him a key, met
his family, and got dumped. So, the fall- yeah, that was all in two months. Learned
that sometimes, if it’s too good to be true, IT FUCKING IS. RUN.
Well, I still had my dissertation. Oops,
nope! That had to go to the trash too, on my terms. Reason cited: un-reconcilable
differences. Well, now I’m in a doctoral program with no dissertation topic, no
chair, no direction, and I am considering dropping out. FUCK.
Cue: martinis, tears, fuck buddies. And
a really beautiful, wise, supportive, intelligent woman. Within a week, I had a
new chair and a new topic- one that I actually gave a fuck about. Here I am, 8
months later, doing research on the sex industry, interviewing sex workers,
going to porn award shows, teaching psychology of gender, speaking in sexuality
courses, working on a blog, writing articles for adult industry news sites, and…wow.
It’s been a blur, a fabulous fucking blur. I’m LOVING this.
What I am trying to say is that the sex-positive
movement, the sex industry, sex workers rights movement, WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU
WANT TO CALL IT, has breathed new life into me. I am passionate, I am loud, I
am opinionated, and I am proud. I am not ashamed to talk about the orgasm that
I had three nights ago, or the discharge that sometimes stains my panties. Are
you cringing? Well, I’m not. I am proud; proud to talk about the way my lover’s
kiss tastes (and damn- I miss it!) Proud to admit that I watch porn, and that I
can bring myself to orgasm while watching. I have been fascinated by the sex
industry since I was young, perhaps 12 or 13 years old. Now, at 26, I am
immersed in it, writing about it, (living it? Mystery!), getting my doctorate,
and I am happy. For all of you radical feminists that insist that the
sex-positive movement hurts and degrades women, I have a couple of word for
you. Fuck you. Don’t tell me what to do with MY cunt—yeah, I said CUNT. CUNT
CUNT CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a final note; I’ve only had sex a
handful of times in the last few months. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I was
having it every day- multiple times per day!! However, the man that I love does
not live close enough for me to fuck every day, and it sucks, but he’s worth
it. The irony in that? I’ve always been sex-positive, but I didn’t know what to
call it, and I was having a ton of sex. Now that I’ve identified myself with
the movement, immersed myself in it, I’m having very little sex. Strange?
Surprising? Who knows—I honestly don’t think there’s any correlation to my
current romantic/sexual state and the sex positive movement. I just find it
interesting that for the first time in my life, I have found a man worth waiting
for, and I met him by being part of this movement. Strange, right? Aren’t we
all horny animals that fuck everything we see? Well, apparently not. And if we
were…? So fucking what? It’s not for me, but if it’s for you, then fuck yeah.
Be safe, scream it loud, and make sure your partner/partners know how good they
feel inside of you. I will never judge, and neither should you. No one should.
This was my most personal article yet,
so I felt it would be appropriate to finally share a few photos of myself.
Xo
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